I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
