ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
