are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
