yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
