I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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