Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
