She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
