I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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