he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
