Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
