I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
