When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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