he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
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Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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