Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
