Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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