Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
