I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
