I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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