Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
