I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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