I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
