My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
