I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
