I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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