1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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