Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
