it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
