I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
