Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
