HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
