you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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