I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
