I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
