I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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