I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
