I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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