We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
