He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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