Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
