The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
