Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
