how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
