Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
