i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
