After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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