Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
