yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
