wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
