I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
