Don't make out with my wife yet
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
