I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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