8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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