Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He did a backflip because drugs
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
