you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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