Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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