R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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