i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
