My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
