Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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