I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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