I smell stomach acid.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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