where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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