I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
