nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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